New! MassLandlords Announces the Rent Remote Control™ for Renters

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. – Today, April 1, MassLandlords announces the Rent Remote Control™, the latest technology in personal housing stability. The Rent Remote Control™ promises to work around the housing shortage by letting each renter choose whether their rent goes up, down or stays the same. No more waiting in line for rental assistance!

Our Rent Remote Control™ is intuitively obvious to use, and there are now 100% fewer unintended consequences. We guarantee it!

Easy to Use

Simply load a Petty Rent Board™ into the battery slot to power the device. Press the up or down arrow to set your new rent level. Turn off eviction risk entirely by using the “Evictions on/off” switch. Setting evictions to “off” will consume Petty Rent Boards™ at a faster rate.

Set your own rent increase by pressing up or down buttons. Runs on petty rent boards inserted in the bottom. Features a power-saving evictions on/off switch.

The Rent Remote Control is intuitively obvious to use! Derivative of Licensed 123rf.

Invest In Your Landlord to Go Zero-Carbon

“Don’t tell my cousin, but I sold my tech startup and had a really good year,” said Ralph Rarity, renter of a penthouse in Fancytown, an invitation-only Boston neighborhood.

“I set our rent level up 20% this year and we got heat pumps,” he gushed. “Air conditioning, baby, yeah!”

Of course, not everyone is thriving.

Set Rent Below Inflation to Keep Things As-Is, For Now

We interviewed Wendy Waiting, a typical renter struggling in the post-Covid economy.

“We still don’t have customers like we used to before the governor shut down our restaurant,” she shared with us. “The menu is just a lot more expensive than it used to be.”

Waiting set her rent level up 2% this year. Her landlady now hides in the bushes by the driveway and jumps out at Waiting as she heads for her shift. “Inflation was 7% last year! 7%!” her landlady shouts.

Waiting’s 20 year old Toyota Corolla belches smoke thicker than the oil boiler she uses to heat her apartment. Waiting has to wake three times each night to refill the boiler with water.

A house set to a 20% rent increase is has a brand new heat pump, no chimney and zero emissions. Another house set to a 2% rent increase belches thick, choking smoke and its landlady is screaming about inflation. A third house set to a 5% rent decrease is boarded up. A fourth house with a 20% rent decrease is being demolished by a front-end excavator as dust and boards fall to the ground.

Set your own rent level, but beware of unintended consequences! Derivative of Licensed 123rf.

Lower Rent and Watch Sparks Fly

“There was this group and they were telling us we could press the down arrow,” fumed Isabela Inquilina. “That was so wrong! People, I am telling you, do not use the down arrow!”

Inquilina’s apartment windows broke in high winds caused by the polar vortex. Since the window is not strictly necessary for lighting or ventilation, it is now permanently boarded over. Her landlord says his decision is final.

“I also have an issue with the electrical outlet sparking. I called the city three times but I read a report that said they won’t come fast to my neighborhood, so I don’t have much hope.” The landlord has turned off that circuit, also not strictly necessary for code.

Give the Gift of Development

Pressing the down arrow repeatedly will send an email to a local developer. You will have plenty of notice, but eventually you will have to leave. A brand new building will go up where your old apartment once stood! You won’t be able to afford it, but it will have a dog shower!

Good Luck With Your Application!

Even though Massachusetts Law Chapter 40P authorizes others to sell a generic rent remote control, you should buy our custom branded Rent Remote Control™! Full disclosure: if you tell your landlord you will be moving in with a Rent Remote Control™, your application may be denied. If a landlord has to take an applicant with a Rent Remote Control™, they will wait for someone with high income, perfect credit and no housing barriers!

A real estate agent tears up a rental application while he stares fixedly at the rent remote control sitting on the table. The applicant couple look at each other and wonder whether this was a good idea. The agent says, you have a rent remote control? Sorry, not qualified!

Full disclosure: Your broker or landlord may be less willing to overlook a bad credit score. Derivative of Licensed 123rf.

Petty Rent Boards™ for Sale only at Authorized Distributors

The Rent Remote Control™ requires one Petty Rent Board™ to operate. Petty Rent Boards™ may only be purchased at an authorized distributor. Please bring proof of political connection, landlord horror story or other hearsay along with a cash reward of $1,000 for a Petty Rent Board™ hearing. Cash rewards will be reported to the Office of Campaign and Political Finance.

At your hearing date, bring a money order or bank check for $5, plus a $9 expedited fee, per Petty Rent Board™ to be purchased.

And please do not email us! Good God, emails are a public record! We provide support from 1 p.m. to 4:30 p.m. Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays by phone only at 617-555-1234.

Seven people of various sizes, shapes and colors line up outside a building. Multiple signs advertise petty rent boards for purchase.

Petty Rent Boards™ will be available for purchase. Derivative of Licensed 123rf.

Disclaimers: Towns permitting ownership of a Rent Remote Control™ may experience loss of housing, decrease in tax revenue or other unwanted side effects. Deferred maintenance is the most common side effect. Neighboring towns will experience decrease in state aid. Ask your economist if a Rent Remote Control™ is right for you.

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